[NOW, WITH HILARIOUSLY BAD EXAMPLES OF WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO]

A down and dirty guide to writing the down and dirty: 

PART 1:  SETTING THE SCENE: 

1.  Bear in mind that if you are writing PWP fanfic, most of your readers will probably mostly skip until they get to the sexy bits.  

This is because M-rated fanfiction are for lonely fan peoples who are sexually frustrated after watching OR reading how sexually charged their favorite ‘ship is.  Or, you’re writing an original adult fanfic.  In which case, OF COURSE THEY ARE READING IT FOR THE SEX IT IS ESSENTIALLY EROTICA AT THIS POINT OK?  That being said, keep the intro to a minimum.  This is smut. Your readers probably clicked on it because they saw the pairing and you mentioned what type of sex you were going to put the ‘ships through, with your warning labels.  

2.  If you are writing smut, unless your sex scene focuses in on a piece of clothing, there is NO NEED FOR A REALLY LONG AND LENGTHY DESCRIPTION OF THE CHARACTER’S CLOTHING.  

This is particularly true of a one-shot. If you’re writing a pwp one-shot, chances are, your viewers do not give a fuck about how the mary sue OP is wearing a designer Christian Dior scarf and is carrying a gucci leather bag, unless said mary sue is going to use the scarf for bondage and pull out something sexy out of the gucci bag, like a whip, or warming oils.  And even then:  keep it to two sentences or less.  If you have an entire paragraph describing some random OC’s amazing fashion sense, people will hit control + f and search for something like “mouth” because that’s when we know the action is going to start.

3.  If you are writing dialogue, please read it out loud first before you post.  Otherwise, readers will probably get turned off by weirdly unnatural phrasing and excessive use of dash marks and ellipses. Also, avoid the word “said.” 

Ex.: She pushed her hair back and sat down on the bed.  ”Hi Harry.” said Fleur.

Harry looked very frightened.  ”H-h-h-hi Fleur.” He said,” What is going on?”

Fleur bemusedly arranged her Christian Dior mini skirt and flicked her veela blonde hair back. As she crossed her legs and tapped a red miu-miu strappy sandal-clad foot, she said,  ”Oh….nothing….I was just wondering if you could help me with my magical music class homework.  I am supposed to figure out how to properly use my diaphragm!”

Harry turned bright red, “I…I…I am a virgin!” Harry squeaked, “I don’t really know how to use a diaphragm!”

Fleur laughed, “oh, haha harry! That is not what I meant! I meant your ANATOMICAL DIAPHRAGM! You are SUCH a good speaker, I thought you would realize that!”

Part 2: the Foreplay

4.  Refrain from excessive first person inner monologues.  Especially ones concerning a) how turned on a character is  and b) how sexy the other character(s) is/are. 

Because, let’s face it. People read smut and PWP to be turned on.  And there is nothing more unappealing than canned horniness.

Bad example: Giles looked at Willow, giving her the once over.  She’s grown so much in the past couple years, he thought.  Just look at how her skin glows with her new confidence and magic!  She’s left off her sweater vests and gone for something sexy…how I miss those sweater vests, and yet…is my little Willow actually HOT now? Oh dearie me, whatever shall I do?  I cannot control these unseemly urges anymore.  I MUST tell her how I feel…and perhaps…”feel things out”? 

5.  On a related note, puns, while hilarious, are not particularly sexy…especially if they are bad and awkward and obvious.  

If I see a quotation mark around something that is not dialogue in a PWP fic, I immediately skip over the entire sentence, in order to stop being turned on. 

Bad Example:  John raised his eyebrow at Sherlock’s incessant texting.  ”Sherlock,” he drawled, “Really, is Irene’s phone set to “vibrate?” 

Sherlock raised his eyebrow, “I beg your pardon, John, but I don’t have time for your immature sexual japes at the moment. I have a case to solve.”

John’s eyes dropped to Sherlock’s long and delicate finger, quickly and efficiently moving over the touchscreen keyboard of his smartphone.  ”rawr,” he thought, I’ wish he would “finger” my “keys.”  Or perhaps…lick my “Blackberry….”

Part 3:  The actual smut

1.  Repeat after me:  ”tumescent” is not sexy. “TUMESCENT” is NOT SEXY!

We know you’re a virgin if you are hesitant about saying the names of actual sexy bits on a person, and if you are insistent on using ridiculous adjectives and analogies to describe really simple PIV/anal sex.  For instance, if you writ something along the lines of: 

“Briar ran his hands down Tris’s exquisite fleshy globes, stopping to circle each little tiny pink mountain peak with his thumbs.

“Oh Briarrrr,” purred Tris, fingers encircled around his tumescent man spear, “that feels like Christmas!” 

A rain of womanly juice ran down Tris’s thigh.  ”Who’s the weather witch now, eh….Coppercurls?” whispered Briar. 

2.  Please refrain from inner dialogues mid-coitus.  They are distracting, and generally really awkward.  

And generally, they are only used when somebody is shocked that something feels so good. And that is just cliche.  Given we are reading a sex scene, it is a hopeful given that the characters are turned on by the hanky panky. 

Bad example: 

Screaming in passion, Foaly rammed his huge horse cock into Holly’s dripping cunt.  Grabbing on to a chair to keep her balance, Holly’s body spasmed in orgasm.  ”Oh, Foaly, this feels so good!” she moaned.  Inside, she thought, “Oh, I hope Caballine doesn’t find out! ON the other hand, I guess this is what they mean when they say hung like a stallion—-OH MY GOD HE’S CUMMING INSIDE ME.”

“Yeah, take it like a filly, Holly,” Foaly moaned, “and keep my aluminum foil hat on. I want another round.” 

3.  Please make sure you are not over-using personal pronouns, particularly if we have a three-some or more-some going on.  

This is classic writing, and applies to everything, not just smut.  But if you are writing a scene involving more than one person of a gender pronoun, please make sure you make it clear what is going on.  Otherwise, people will not be turned on.  They will not be saying “Oh, how hot.” They will be saying, “what the FUCK is going on?”

Bad example: 

“Oh wolverine!” Jane moaned, “you really DO have regenerative powers!”

“That’s right baby,” said wolverine, flipping Jane on her back and grabbing Storm, who was floating in the air, “Now who wants to test my stamina?”

“I do! I do!” she moaned, grabbing his penis and also the headboard, “and I want her to lick my pussy too!”

“Oh my god!” yelled Cyclops who happened to walk by, “this scene is ridiculously confusing and where are everybody’s hands?” 

4.  Finally, a list of unsuitable sexy bit adjectives and nouns that you should not use:

in general, please refrain from using the terms “man spear,” “magic wand,” “hose,” “puckered black hole,” “thing,” or “cream.” 

Also please refrain from using the terms, “delicate flower,” “sex,” “moist nether region,” and “hole.”  Or any fun and exotic adjectives you think fit, because you’re writing POCS. 

Please also refrain from using “globes,” “melons,” “flesh sacs,” or any variation of the term “milk jugs.” 

Bad example: Shang licked Mulan’s sopping wet flower, moaning at the taste of her sex.  

“Oh Shang,” Mulan moaned, “Give me your man spear, now! I want your thing inside my hole!”

“Oh yeah, baby,” Shang grunted, positioning his cock to enter Mulan’s lotus blossom of eternal joy, “I’ll show you how to be a man!” 

———-

have fun!

Remember, proofread, ignore the trolls, and experiment! 

Smut fiction is about having gratuitous amounts of sexual entertainment.  

Let the shipping begin!